Hey Simmons, I’ll show you how to do this son.

It’s 8:45, I begin logging out of all my applications and saving my work.
8:50, Now I’m putting my jacket on and gathering all my belongings.
8:59, Standing with anticipation counting down the seconds to leave
9:00, Punching out and shutting down my laptop.
9:01, Running out the door into my car. Shit! I forgot my dirty containers from lunch… (thinking to myself should I just leave it there? No I can’t their dirty, it’ll probably smell like crazy and who knows if I have enough containers to hold me over until tomorrow..)
9:04, Running back into the building to grab my lunch bag
9:08, Starting the car up.. this time I don’t wait for it to warm up I just go.

9:10, On the Parkway going about 15mph faster than I really should just to make it to catch at least

Get out of my way, Ive got a Lakers game tog et to.

Get out of my way, I've got a Lakers game to get to.

half-waythough the first quarter in the meantime I have ESPN radio blasting to follow every single second.
9:12, I’m driving so fast that even the dude in the fast lane is driving too slow, so I change lanes to then change back into the fast lane.. somebody gets in may way and it causes me to miss my exit.. fuck are you serious?
9:15, Now I’m going in a direction I’m not really sure how long it’ll take me to get home just because I was in a rush now God’s making me pay for it.
9:17, I’m on the right direction and I should be home in any minute
9:20, Some guy cuts me off just about a minute from my house I yell out “Fat Bastard” as he makes a left.. I continue straight.
9:21, Home finally.
9:22, Realize my brother is playing Xbox 360 in my room I tell him “Get off, I need to watch the Lakers game.” At this point he realizes there’s nothing from stopping me.
9:23, Some how the cable box’s power cable was unplugged. Fuck.. Great are you serious? So I plug it in and I’m waiting in anticipation as all I see is a blue Scientific Atlantic screen. Are you fucking serious? Don’t make me call Cablevision or there is going to be a problem.
9:26, Three minutes later the TV finally shows a different screen indicating that the services are loading.
9:28, FINALLY THE FUCKING TV IS ON! GAME TIME! Tune in and the game is tied 25-25.

(from here on out I’ll continue my post game review)

Kobe Bryant ends the quarter with 17 points and the Lakers are leading 31-27. This game is already playing out to be completely different from Game 2. A ton of offense, this game is very fast paced.

Tiger Woods and Coach K are in attendance.

Magic are shooting 76% in the game half way thru the 2nd quarter yet some how the Lakers are still up 48-47.

Game 2 had 75 points between the two teams at the half, so far tonight they’ve scored 95 points and there is still 4:31 seconds remaining till half-time.

Rafer Alston has really stepped it up and turned it around from his performances in the last two games. Rafer has 13 points on 5-5 shooting so far.

The Orlando crowd is seriously into this game, and why wouldn’t they be? It’s the first game they’ve played at home in the finals so far.

Dwight Howard Vitamin Water commercial is on.. and I’m sorry this has got to be one of the gayest commercials I’ve seen all day but yet really solidifies my opinion on Dwight… rather not get into that right now (stay tuned for something special, maybe after the series is over for that one)

You make suspect ads homey.

You make suspect ads homey.

Still watching commercials at this point I’m thinking that I wish the finals were on TNT. I cannot stand ABC’s half time show. Seriously.

Ariza goes 1 for 2 at the line to tie the game 51 a piece with 2:41 remaining in the 2nd quarter.

Rashard Lewis just hit two three’s in a row. I hate you.

Kobe just got blocked again by Howard.

Magic up 57-54 with 50 seconds remaining in the 2nd.

That Gatorade commercial where they throw down the bottle every few seconds seems extremely too long. Very annoying.

Magic up 59-54 which is not surprising, however what is is that the Magic are shooting 75% from the field at the half… (An NBA Finals record) but still only up 5.

Shooting 75% at the half and only up 5.. you have got to wonder if they can keep it up in the 2nd half and I can’t see it being possible but who knows? 75% is pretty amazing I’ll give them some props. We all know their a good shooting team but you can’t live by the jump shot. Jump shots win games, but not series.

Stan Van Gundy is an experimenter. Phil Jackson is a Verifier. – Pulled that from an article I read on ESPN regarding the differences between Phil and Stan. Anyone who knows basketball and is firmular with these two coaches will understand what that meant and it was a perfect answer on how to explain the main difference between the two. Phil’s a HOF coach… but I got hella respect for Stan he’s a great coach as well.

Third quarter just started Lakers inbound.. Bynum only has two fouls so far after two quarters.. what a surprise.

Gasol is a beast. I wish he took more shots.

Just realized Dwight Howard has a giant mole on his shoulder. Shit is disgusting. Let’s get that removed in the off season okay? Thanks.

Bynum just got blocked by Howard but then deflected the pass towards the opposite side. Dude is sorry. I wish he stepped his game up I’m getting tired of seeing his face.

It seems like Kobe has been missing way too many free throws. This is getting frustrating.

Ariza with the steal then drops the three on the other end. He’s been a great addition this season.

67-64 Magic with 6:50 left in the third.

Kobe Bryant is seriously not getting any calls tonight. What the fuck did David Stern tell Joe Crawford?

Kobe had 21 in the first half, so far in the third quarter only 1 point.

Kobe 1 for 2 at the line and 4 of 8 from the free throw line. I don’t get it.

His missed free throws were the difference in the game. I dont get it.

His missed free throws were the difference in the game. I don't get it.

Magic up 73-67 with 3:40 remaining in the third.

Getting tired of this Toyota Prius commercial. The music is making me want to pull the hair out of my head.

Rashard Lewis just hit a three pointer. Magic are up 8 now. I hate you.

Kobe just drained a three in Hedo’s face. Magic up by 2 points 77-75.

Magic up 6 at the end of the third. At one point it was a 2 point game. This is getting very interesting and at this point I’m pretty sure I don’t have any more finger nails to munch on.

I don’t know if this is a pet-peeve or not but I absolutely hate when I’m watching a show in HD but the commercials aren’t If I have the HD channel on then every mother fucking commercial should be in HD.

Odom is heating up.. two nice shots in a row.

Ariza with the steal his second of the game. Lakers down 79-85.

Magic up 8 with 8:10 left, still shooing lights out at a very sold 66%.

7:13 remaining. Kobe just checked back into the game. Let’s go!

Ariza drained a three. Lakers down 5. Time out Orlando. 6:17 remaining in the 4th.

Three point game. 93-90 Magic

Dwight Howard to the line again, which seems like every other play.

Fisher drained a three. Dude is money.

99-95 Magic. 4:36 remaining. Crowd is on their feet.

Odom just stole the ball. Big defensive play.

Bryant from the top of the key. Two point game.

Deflected by Gasol, Bryant takes the ball but misses the layup.

Magic ball with 3:13 remaining. This is getting SERIOUS.

Alston throws up a floater and misses, Bryant with the rebound.

Gasol going to the line shooting two, with the Magic up by two.

Saw Kobe with a clipboard explaining something to Gasol.

Lakers down 2 with 2:12 remaining. Kobe just missed a long three.

Kobe fouled after being double teamed.

Gasol just went straight the hole and scored.. how there was no call was beyond me.

Rashard Lewis. You mother fucker. I don’t know how he does it but he continues to hit some crazy ass shots. His foot was on the three point line though so it’s a 2 point shot. Magic up by three with 1:06 remaining.

Kobe just took it to the hole and FINALLY gets a call his way. Foul on Dwight Howard… fans are upset and the commentators are saying it shouldn’t of been a foul but if anything its payback from before.

Kobe misses his fifth free throw shot.. SERIOUSLY?? 1 for 2.. Lakers down 2. 59.8 seconds remaining.

At this point I’m standing from here on out.

37.6 remaining. Lakers ball still down 2.

Pietrus with a big steal, Kobe fouled him to prevent the fast break.

He made both free throws, Lakers down 4 now with 28.7 remaining. FUCK.

Just found out that Capo bet the Lakers +4.5 I might as well stop watching. He’s the biggest jinx in sports history. Scratch that… In life.

Lakers down by 4 still with 16.3 seconds remaining after Kobe misses a three but Odom saves the rebound before going out of bounds.

The Lakers missed about four shots getting the offensive rebound each time in what felt like a lifetime. I’m so fucking pissed off right now it’s not even funny.

Lewis shooting two free throws with .2 seconds remaining leading by 2 points. It’s basically over right now I’m still not sweating it too much it was kind of expected that they were going to win Game 3. I didn’t expect a sweep.

Congratulations Orlando Magic you’ve won your first ever Finals game and probably your last.

Lakers in 5.

by: Glenn Reno (http://www.glennreno.com/ http://twitter.com/glennreno)



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2 responses to “Hey Simmons, I’ll show you how to do this son.

  1. Flip

    Pretty good article. Funny. But don’t sleep on the magic. Kobe is a superstar but he is a whinging baby. Get big and get strong. Lazy eye faggot LOL.
    I see wat ur saying bout dwight. His commercial is a lil type fruity.

  2. ROB

    ya know i noticed the mole 2 that pretty disgust… good observation thats top notch journalism right there good stuff

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